I was about to leave to pick him up for the zoo when he said:
“I’m just finishing my last drink.”
What? It was 1pm on a Friday.
And although I was raised around constant binge drinking on the weekends, having four drinks before a zoo outing was not part of my afternoon plan.
Something really didn’t sit right. I couldn’t fully explain it, I just knew. This wasn’t how I imagined the day going, or honestly, even my life. It forced me to sit with myself and think about it…
How did I get here?
When Drinking Was Just “Normal”
In high school, we were in the woods, getting shitfaced off the original Four Lokos (iykyk) at night. We laughed about not remembering what happened the night before. Blackouts were funny.
I drank a bottle of Fireball almost every weekend of my freshman year of college and felt relieved that my parents couldn’t ground me anymore. It was the cause of so many family arguments during those years.
It continued throughout college, going to frat parties, and clubbing in Boston. Once getting kicked out of line for being too drunk. And then throughout my first job out of college, drinking with coworkers at the dive bar down the street. Every vacation, always at the airport, during celebrations, during tough times…
This was normal, right?
No one ever pulled me aside. No one raised a concern about my drinking.
So neither did I.
The Moment It Stopped Being Invisible
Pre-gaming the zoo with 4 beers, though? That’s the kind of thing we’re all taught to recognize as alcoholism. And I couldn’t unsee it.
What terrified me wasn’t just his drinking. It was the mirror it held up to my own habits.
If this is alcoholism… Where does that put me?
I couldn’t let my future children be raised by an alcoholic. How would I be able to have children if I couldn’t stop drinking for 12 months? It was something I wondered before.
That day flipped a switch in my brain and there was no turning back.
The Quiet Questions That Followed
If I stop drinking, how do I…
- function in my social life?
- relax?
- celebrate?
- belong?
Could I still join my family on vineyard trips or my friends during happy hour? Will they want me there or will I be the boring person not drinking?
Do I belong?
Alcohol had been my bridge and made everything flow. Plus, everyone else in my life was doing it.
And without it? I wasn’t sure who I would be.
How I Did It
I listened to This Naked Mind on audiobook while sitting in my car, parked by the ocean. The windows cracked open and the waves crashing under me.
Sometimes I cried. Sometimes I just stared at the water, listening.
It felt like therapy.
For the first time, I was hearing scientific and psychological explanations for why alcohol isn’t great for us and why we drink in the first place.
It finally made sense.
Like this:
Billions of dollars are spent every year marketing alcohol, conditioning us to see it as happiness, connection, and a requirement for social life.
The understanding from this book became the foundation of my sobriety journey (key word journey).
I really don’t need to drink.
The First and Most Important Step
The most important thing I did was:
I decided.
No one forced me. I chose it for myself, whether I liked it or not at the time. No one can make this decision for you. If the desire isn’t there, it won’t stick.
I was finally going to be in control of my life. I was going to be my pure, real, actual self.
Who do I want to be?
Navigating Social Situations Without Alcohol
I didn’t actually miss alcohol. I missed having a drink in my hand and feeling like I belonged.
At social events, everyone was holding something, and I was exposed without it. What do I do with my hands? 🥴
So I found a simple replacement.
Soda water. Sometimes I add a splash of orange juice to be fancy. But that small change helped more than I expected and people rarely noticed I wasn’t drinking.
The Awkward Middle
Some days I felt empowered. Other days I just felt… awkward. The first month or so of going out while everyone else was drinking was hard.
Not because I wanted alcohol, but because I didn’t yet know myself without it. I didn’t know how to act. How to be.
Alcohol had been a shortcut. One that gave me confidence. Fake confidence to do things that my sober self wouldn’t.
Without it, I had to actually meet myself. And that was uncomfortable.
What I Was Really Looking For
As I focused on becoming healthier, something became very clear. What I had been yearning for all along wasn’t alcohol.
It was:
- Community
- Real connection
- Authenticity
- Memories I could actually remember
So said fuck it and I started building it myself.
Creating a New Community
I had already been sober curious when the zoo outing pushed everything into focus.
I began imagining a different kind of life. A different kind of community. One rooted in nature. Movement. Presence.
A life without alcohol.
I launched a women’s birdwatching group, without knowing much about birds or the birdwatching community at all. And somehow, it worked. Two years later, it’s stronger than ever.
I built beach volleyball communities. Led multiple groups throughout the week. Merged people together in groups that hadn’t been thought of before.
Everything began to fall into place. I was building a true community.
In the same month I stopped drinking, I met my partner playing beach volleyball. We go on backpacking trips, play in volleyball tournaments, go to music festivals, and have the most unbelievable group of friends.
I finally understand families who run marathons together during the holidays.
I guess it’s true when they say:
When one door closes, another door opens. 💖
The Perspective Shift
Here’s what surprised me most:
Most of my new community didn’t even drink.
And people I once assumed were always drinking heavily… weren’t. I had a friend visiting one time who said he didn’t drink. I was puzzled as to what we would do. I was blinded by normalization.
Now, on the rare occasion I go to a bar, I order my soda water, I happily DD for my friends, and I don’t feel like I’m missing out. Because I’m not!
I’m authentically being me, by being present. I fully remember all of my nights. I can actually remember all of the DJs who play at the festivals.
I still wonder sometimes who I would’ve been if alcohol had never been part of the picture.
A Gentle Closing
If this stirred something in you, pause for a moment. Just notice.
Notice how alcohol fits into your life, how you feel without it, and what you’re actually craving.
If you’re curious, try this:
- Take a break from drinking for a week
- Order soda water at your next social event
- Spend time with people who don’t center life around alcohol
- Journal about how you feel
If you’re in the uncomfortable middle, stay with it. Trust yourself. Choose what feels true.
You’re allowed to build a life you’re proud of.
✨
If this felt familiar, you’re not alone. And if you want to share, I’m listening.
What made you start questioning your relationship with alcohol?
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